onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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