I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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