I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
