For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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