She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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