I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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