I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
