toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
do herpes really smell.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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