Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
