I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
