I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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