end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
