I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also, beer. Big fan.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
