Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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