Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you had me at cake vodka
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
