she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
