Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
