I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
