There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
