Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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