i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I will pee on everything he values.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
