you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize