Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize