she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just google imaged poop.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
