i already hear my dad disowning me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She's the barista slut.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
