There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize