Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
