my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
