I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
