I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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