her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
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