I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
