I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
