took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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