Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
