before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
