Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
