if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
