I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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