I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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