We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
