I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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