Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
