I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
