I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize