She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
