I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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