Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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