I CAN MOONWALK!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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