It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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