have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
