I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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