Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
