My cat gives me a boner
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
