how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
