I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
