You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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