Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
