her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I love you.
Bad choice
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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