So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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