My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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