u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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