hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
